My Mimi died on Dec 1st. She was more than my grandmother. She was my biggest cheerleader in life, she loved me fiercely, and she always made me feel better no matter the obstacles I was facing. Her absence leaves a hole in my life that will never be replaced. That's okay because that space in my heart belongs to her and to our memories together. One of my friend's this week said, "if we didn't experience this pain it would mean we never loved," It was so true and I guess in a way I'm thankful for this pain because it did mean I experienced her love and I loved her deeply in return. I'm forever thankful for her role in my life. For the good and the bad she helped shape me as a person.
As death goes her and the family were blessed with a peaceful passing. She became very ill and declined relatively quickly. It seems to have given everyone enough time to say goodbye but not too long that she suffered unnecessarily.
She died peacefully with an entourage of visitors in her final days. Her closest family and those that loved her held her hand, brushed her hair, told her they loved her, and said their goodbyes.
Everyone that is.... but me.
So many plaguing questions what do I do?
I don't have the answers to all of these questions but here is what I do know.
I will remember her differently
This is also a photo from my last visit. Though I was not there to be by her side these last days, I have the luxury of remembering her differently than everyone who was there. I can remember her laughter, her overwhelming excitement for my trip, and I cherish that I was able to celebrate her 87th birthday with her and family on this visit! |
I hadn't talked to anyone from home in almost two months (the internet in Africa is awful to non-existent) and for me it was a whirlwind update trying to capture the good and bad of Africa. But apparently, we had been on for more than an hour and Mimi was lovingly done. She had things to do so she wrapped up that call when she was good and ready. Ha! That lady. She was always good at ending a call but making it sound like you were the one ready to get off the phone.
When she went into the hospital I wanted to call her and talk to her one more time but I was afraid to request this for many reasons. I was afraid the words wouldn't come out. I was afraid that she would know I thought she was dying. I didn't want her to hear that I wasn't ready for her to go. Selfishly, I didn't want my last words in her ears to be filled with the sounds of my sorrow.
On one hand, I am fortunate I won't remember her with a failing and weak voice or feel her hands that could not squeeze mine. However, I still weep that she could not hear my voice and I could not squeeze her hands one last time. In grief we find comfort where we can and shed tears where we must and I'm still doing both.
I have an amazingly supportive family
I can lean on my friends even when far away
I am finding my own way to cope
I have now realized more than ever that the funeral is for the living. I've heard that before but never really understood. Back at home, when I talked to my family, they all sounded pretty good on the day of the funeral, under the circumstances. I however spent most of my day crying and feeling very alone. But my dad said that everyone was doing good because they were sharing stories and memories, laughing together and finding comfort in one another. Being so far, I definitely don't have that and because of that I'm really struggling to overcome this dull ache.
I have found tools that do help me. I have been writing in my journal, especially when I can't sleep. This is a mechanism I learned long ago thanks to some good therapists and it really helps me. To actualize my thoughts and memories on paper feels like I am releasing everything bit by bit. I also picked up a coloring book (the new craze of adult coloring books is pretty awesome) and when I just can't handle my thoughts I can focus on the paper and the lines. I have made endless calls home, gone for runs, and eaten some good comfort food. Right now I just am doing whatever I need to care for me.
The world took care of me
The biggest one feels like it came directly from my grandmother, quite literally. When we first started our journey back in April, I quickly discovered a very special item in my pack. Mimi was unable to make it to my wedding so she mailed me me some special items. One included a beautiful old handkerchief which belonged to my great grandmother, Laura Louise, with an embroidered L. My Mimi's name was Lillian Lynette and I always thought of it has representing both my great grandmother and my Mimi. At the wedding I tucked it away on my person knowing they were both close to my heart and that they were with me on my special day.
I buried it deep in my pack for fear of losing it and did so well that I almost forgot about it entirely.
When I got word that Mimi was sick and not doing well something reminded me that I had this article with me. I tore apart my pack and found it safely stowed away. My Mimi's hands held this handkerchief. Her beautiful pure love for me was wrapped in it's fibers and by holding it I imagine that I'm holding her hands. My tears are in this cloth, maybe the tears of my grandmothers are in there too. Maybe this is their way to comfort me.
I had a thought, actually while writing this today. It's interesting to me that my grandmother made it to all of the other weddings for her grandchildren, except for mine. She just couldn't be there. I know it wasn't because she didn't love me or because she wasn't excited about my wedding, it just didn't happen. I just couldn't be there at her funeral and it wasn't because I am not heartbroken or didn't want to honor her, it just didn't happen. I'm going to view this beautiful handkerchief as our connection for times when we just couldn't be there for one another and we both know that it wasn't because the other person didn't care.
Another hug from the world came in the form of some much needed stability. We landed a house sit for three weeks. We had applied for several of these sits while we've been traveling but it's very competitive and I had low hopes as I submitted our application. But it happened! We met this great family who have entrusted us with the care of two cats, a guppy, and their home. It's wonderful. The routine is just what I needed and taking time to rest and take care of my mind, body, and soul is priceless. Three weeks of not packing or moving or dealing with people if I don't want to! Sleeping in, crying, petting fuzzy critters, watering a garden, and watching movies... I never realized how much you need these things some times. Back home chores were... well, chores! Right now they are comforting.
People I've confided in along the way have also just been so kind. I've shared family memories with others, wine, laughter, hugs, and tears with strangers and it has been good. Humans are all really the same. We all have family, we all want to be happy, and we all know how to comfort one another when we need it.
Grieving will not end for a long time
She was the matriarch that held our family unit together. I'm not sure if there will ever be a time when my sister, aunt, brother, cousins, dad, all get together again, That glue is gone and with it, the threads it holds together dissolves as well. Also part of life but that doesn't make my heart break any less.
Death is part of life and life will move on
I know that my heart heals a little every day. She wanted me to be on this adventure, she wanted me to laugh and love and create great memories, and that is what I will do. I will do this for me, I will do this for her. Her excitement for my trip was almost unexplainable. I was afraid to tell her about it because I thought she would be unhappy I was so far away but in fact, the opposite was true. She was thrilled and told everyone she knew.
As I continue my world travels I know she will be watching over me and now she will have the vantage point of seeing what I see. When I talk to her I won't need to wait for a good internet connection because I have a direct line. She is with me always in my heart.
Mimi, I love you so much. Thank you for taking care of me, for loving me, and your part in making me the person I am today. I promise to be continue to be grateful for my journey, laugh as much as I can, and love as much as possible.